The best jokes come in all shapes and sizes. But they all have one thing in common. They make you laugh out loud. So here’s your challenge. Learn three off by heart and tell them to your friends and family. Then you’ll have something in common with the best jokes ever—you’ll be funny too!
- Pessimist: “This can’t get any worse!” Optimist, “Oh yes it can.”
- The Buddhist hands $20 to the hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.” On getting his hot dog, the Buddhist asks, “Where’s my change?” The vendor replies, “Change comes from within.”
- Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.
- I asked my Mum, if, when I was 18 I could buy a motorcycle. She said no, her brother had died in a horrible motorcycle accident at the same age. And I could have his motorcycle.
- A turtle crossing the road is mugged by two snails. The police show up and ask him what happened. The turtle, still shaking, says, “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”
- Who knows why they lock petrol station toilets? Are they afraid someone is going to clean them?
- A woman asks God before a big operation if she’s going to pull through. He replies, “Sure, you’ve got another 30 years.” So she decides to stay after the operation and have the full plastic surgery works; face, breasts, tummy tuck, liposuction. Then, just as she leaves the hospital, she’s fatally hit by an ambulance. At the pearly gates she says indignantly to God, “ You said I had another 30 years.” “Sorry”, says God, “I didn’t recognise you.”
- I went to the doctor and asked him if he had anything he could give me for wind. He gave me a kite.
- I feel really bad for the homeless guy's dog. He must be thinking, “Man, this is the longest walk ever.”
- My friend gave me his epi-pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
- A dog goes to the post office to send a telegram. It goes woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof. The operator says, “That’s only 9 woofs. You can add another.” The dog says, “Then it would make no sense at all.”
- A biker out on the open country road opens up the throttle and is loving the speed. Suddenly a three-legged chicken darts past leaving him in its dust. The biker, intrigued, follows the chicken into its farm. Seeing the farmer leaning against a gate he tells him what just happened. “Yep, that’s one of my chickens,” he says. “You see there’s three of us here and we all love a leg, so I decided to breed three-legged chooks.” “That’s fantastic, its speed is incredible” replies the biker, “but how do they taste?” “No idea,” says the farmer, “I’ve never caught one.”
- A very large woman steps out of a car and is stared at by a little boy. “What are you staring at, you rude little boy,” she says. The little boy stammers, “I don’t know, I can’t even fit you in my eyes.”
- Driving home from work, a cop pulled me over. I said, “One minute please, I’m on the phone.”
- Boris Johnson is driving late at night through rural England when his car breaks down. Johnson, his media advisor and driver are forced to walk to the nearest farm. Asking to be put up for the night the farmer explains that his house is full and they’ll have to sleep in the barn.
It’s late, dark and cold so they agree. Soon all is quiet and everyone’s asleep. Then the farmer is woken by a banging at his door. Opening it he finds the media advisor. “Look, I’m really sorry, but because of my Jewish background I cannot sleep in the barn with a pig.” “O.k., says the farmer, “You can bed down in front of the fire.” Back in bed, and again sound asleep, the farmer is woken by another banging at the door. “I’m sorry, '' says the driver, “But as a Hindu, I cannot sleep in the barn with a cow.” O.k., says a now annoyed farmer, “I guess you can bed down in front of the fire too. “Back to bed, back to sleep, the farmer is again woken by more banging at the door. “What the heck, what’s the problem now?” he curses to himself as he opens the door. And there is the pig and the cow.
- Vegans love to say, “Humans are the only animals that drink the milk of other animals.” Well, humans also fly planes, build bridges, make movies and call each other to tell each other how awesome milk is. Enough vegan.
- A golf-loving priest can’t resist and decides to sneak out and play a round of golf on the Sabbath. As he tees off he looks skyward and says, “I know this is sacrilege but I’m sure you’ll forgive me just this one time.” Anyway, by the last hole, he only has to birdie the par 3 18th and he’s broken the course record. Sure enough he connects smoothly and the ball pitches onto the green and backspins perfectly into the hole. “Oh my goodness” he yells. “A course record and my first hole in one to boot.” Looking skyward, he thanks God and says, “I knew you’d understand.” Back from the heavens comes a booming voice. “Of course I understood. Playing golf on a Sunday. Breaking the course record and getting your first hole in one. But then again, who are you going to be able to tell.”
- I like telling people I go to McDonald’s. I love seeing their ‘I’m so much better than you look’.
- It’s not easy being a kid in China. If his Mum tells him he’s one in a million, given there’s more than a billion Chinese, that means there’s at least another 1000 people just like him.
- Two guys walk down the street. One walks into a bar. The other ducks.
- A ham sandwich walks into a bar. “Sorry, says the bartender, we don’t serve food here.”
- How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.
- I wish computer instructions were more explicit. I spent hours looking for the Any Key.
- A SEO walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, hotel, and drinks beer, alcohol, craft-beer.
- And finally, How do you make an octopus laugh? Give it ten-tickles.
Yep, at Yellow Octopus we love to make you laugh. And that's why our online gifts, just like the best ever jokes, range from funny to hilarious to downright outrageous.