Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we’ve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it’s not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we areto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing. – Jerry Seinfeld

Funny birthday jokes, even those from the always optimistic Jerry Seinfield, add the most important ingredients to any birthday: laughter, fun and frivolity. Birthday jokes are like birthday cakes and gifts – must haves. So along with the best birthday gifts, make sure you have the best funny birthday jokes by choosing from the selection below.


Funny Birthday Jokes for Kids


What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?

Hoppy Birthday.



What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?

They only get to celebrate them in leap years.



What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?

I Scream Cake.



What goes up and never comes down?

Your Age.




Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?

Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.




Why are birthdays good for you?

People who have the most live the longest.




Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?

A: No, they both burn shorter!




What do you always get on your birthday?

Another year older.




What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?

No cake for me… I’m stuffed!




When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.



Funny Birthday Jokes That Dads Tell


Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”




What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?

You can have your cake and eat it too.




I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!




It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.



I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.



What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey.



It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.



A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.




A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.

“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies,” Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”

In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.




When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.



You Know Your Birthday Is Telling You You’re Getting Old When…

(Funny Birthday Jokes For Grandmas And Grandpas)


You know you’re getting old when…

You and your teeth don’t sleep together.



You know you’re getting old when…

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”



You know you’re getting old when…

You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”



You know you’re getting old when…

Things you buy now won’t wear out.



You know you’re getting old when…

When happy hour is a nap.



You know you’re getting old when…

You sing along with the elevator music.



You know you’re getting old when…

When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.



You know you’re getting old when…

You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.



You know you’re getting old when…

There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.



You know you’re getting old when…

You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.


Funny Birthday Jokes That Ladies Love


A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking.”

Wife: “This is me, I’m talking to the wine”.



Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”

Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”

“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”

After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.

“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”




A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”




Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.

The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.

“What’s the matter,” he asks.

“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.

“How do you know already?” he enquires.

“You’re still here.”



After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.

Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.

“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.

“You need all the practice you can get!”




A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”



Birthday Invitation: What? You are invited to Cathy’s birthday party. Where? 1424 Maple Dr. (you will need to be buzzed in, so dial our number with your nose and you will then be buzzed in. Once, you’re in the building, press the button for the elevator with your nose. Then press floor number 12 with your nose. We are the door on the left hand side.) Can’t wait to see you! P.S. You will be pushing with your nose, because your hands will be too busy holding the presents.




Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to dropout of college.”




Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.




Wine improves with age. We improve with wine.



Found Your Funny Birthday Jokes?

If so, then you’re well on your way to planning an awesome birthday, especially if you check out these birthday ideas. But along with your funny birthday jokes make it extra-special with an extra-awesome birthday gift.

Or if you’re after some more jokes that kids will love, check out the funniest knock knock jokes for kids, funny pranks for kids or Mothers Day jokes.

About the Author

Our wily wordsmith, Tom, is a key weaver of yarns and the chief storyteller at Octopus HQ. Tom writes words of wit and wisdom which can be read on Yellow Blogtopus. He also helps pen the praiseworthy product descriptions that help you decide what you feel like purchasing from us. Along with our Marketing Maestro, he helps brain storm and devise new plans for how to spread the name of Yellow Octopus to deserving Australians from Kakadu all the way to King Island.